A key word in this definition is “perceive”.  When people perceive others are interfering with their ability to feel valued, to get what they need, or to take action, they will often make an assumption of negative intent. Once an assumption of negative intent is made, indirect or overt conflict will often occur. If the conflict is indirect – for example, someone is brusque with someone else but doesn’t reveal why they are upset – the true cause of the conflict can be more challenging to recognize, unravel and resolve.

1.Ask an (open-ended) question

2. (Actively) listen to the response

3. Reflect back what you hear (through paraphrasing or reframing)

Open-ended questions are questions that begin with “what”, “how” or “why”. They are designed to further someone’s thinking. Closed questions are “yes or no” questions or elicit specific information. An example would be “What time did the plane arrive?”

Actively listening involves demonstrating that you are listening. You can show this by paying close attention, making eye contact and being aware of your body language.

When you reflect back what you hear, you are showing the other person that they have been “heard” and that you acknowledge what they’ve said, how they feel or what’s important to them. To reflect back, you can paraphrase or reframe what was said in a positive way.

What’s the power of the Listening Triangle? Here’s my take: When people feel truly heard and acknowledged for their perspective, their experiences and their emotions, they often shift their thinking, get creative and explore new options for resolving a conflict. They can move out of their “stuck” spot and into the flow of possibility, greater understanding of self and others, and a solution that works for them.

The other person cannot hear you until you’ve heard them, their facts and their feelings, and they feel acknowledged. Acknowledgement doesn’t mean you need to agree, it means you have genuinely listened and understood. As people, we all have a human need to be heard and understood.

Active listening also allows us to hear what’s important to other person – their interests, needs and priorities. When we focus on only our position, we try to get the other person to do what we want them to do—this approach can damage relationships and our ability to reach a good solution to a conflict. Helpful questions to ask and listen for are: What are your interests, needs and priorities? What are my  interests, needs and priorities?

On the other hand, when we stay in curiosity, we open the door to new ideas, people and opportunities. Help is all around us. It’s the judgment that gets in the way. If we all dropped the judgment of ourselves and others, I wonder what would be possible?

Here’s what I value about mediation as a form of conflict resolution: The mediator’s role is to help the parties find an agreement that works for both of them. What that agreement ends up looking like remains entirely in the hands of the party. The mediator does not influence the outcome, make suggestions or “vote” for one agreement over another.

Clients typically hire a conflict management coach for one of four reasons:

• They want to discuss a conflict that’s already occurred — to better understand what happened, what they can learn from it and whether they want to initiate a follow up conversation.
• They want to gain skills to handle disputes already in progress.
• They pro-actively want to prepare for an interaction they anticipate will be a conflict.
• They want to pro-actively develop stronger conflict management skills.

Both individuals and organizations hire conflict management coaches. An organization may hire a conflict management coach to work with an executive, manager or a team. An individual may hire me on their own because they want to increase their conflict management competencies.

If you’d like to improve your conflict management skills, I’d love to connect with you!

Through listening, we might learn what someone is thinking, feeling or needing in particular situation. Through listening, we might notice what’s not said. Through listening, we might find more compassion or empathy for another person because we truly hear their story. Once we truly hear someone’s story, we might be able to acknowledge their perspective, their truth, and their beliefs. Once we can do that for them, they might be able to do that for us.

The ability to be non-judgmental and to shift perspectives are two of the keys to staying present, neutral and responsive. Both skills require taking a neutral stance, detaching from judgment, and the ability to be mentally and emotionally flexible. This flexibility allows you to stay creatively solution-focused and empowered as you work toward a resolution. It also requires that you honor the connection to your empathy, your emotions, and your desires.