Alignment Category

Gifts and talents

My son just finished researching, writing and illustrating a book on Ireland. He is in second grade so it was handwritten, brief and to the point. He researched and wrote without a problem and then when it came time to illustrate, things ground to a resounding halt. He refused to illustrate his book. “Illustrating” involved drawing a car, a truck, a school and a house in pencil. Finally, in an effort to hold him accountable for completing his school work, his teacher called and explained the situation and we worked on the drawing at home. Let’s just say this situation required much parental ingenuity on my part and many crying jags on his part.

I know from my work as a coach and consultant that when anyone exhibits this much resistance to a seemingly simple task, something deeper is going on. Of course asking an eight year old boy with injured pride what’s really bothering him is like asking a CEO why s/he isn’t a better leader. In most cases, neither question is going to net you the information you seek.

This time I got lucky. After going to bed, my son called me in his room and said he couldn’t sleep because he was worried about his drawings. He was so worried that he wanted me to wake him up early so he could redo them (my son is not a morning person). We proceeded to have one of those conversations that make you hold your breath as a parent – as in one wrong word and it’s over. He revealed he thinks he’s a “bad drawer”, he feels embarrassed by his drawing and expressed concern that other kids would make fun of him.

I explained to him that everyone has a different set of gifts and talents. The kids in his class that are better at drawing may not be nearly as good at math, sports or Lego building.  He asked me about my gifts and talents and the skills that aren’t my strengths. We discussed his many gifts and talents and the concept that no one is good at everything. We do the best we can. This seemed to be a new idea for him, and hopefully a perspective that can bring him some relief.  

The next morning we went early to school to his classroom “writer’s celebration”. He was in a great mood and showed me a poem he had written and illustrated on football. You can’t beat second grade poetry.

Embrace yourself

Lately, I’ve noticed a strange phenomenon: I spend large chunks of most days feeling great. After a few years of rough patches, setbacks and some mighty big speed bumps, this experience is truly new and it crept up on me so slowly, that it didn’t sink in for a while.

So I’ve spent some time contemplating this phenomenon. But not too much time, because I feel too good to overanalyze. Here’s what I’ve noticed: my perception of myself has made a seismic shift toward the positive. My thoughts and emotions have joined the shift and the rest of me has followed suit.

The feeling is one of gratitude, abundance and joy. It’s also a feeling of acceptance – what if everything is exactly how it’s supposed to be? What if every circumstance I encounter is an opportunity?

The shift culminates many years of work to dismantle old beliefs and perceptions of myself. Simultaneously, I’ve observed deliberate changes I’ve made in my actions and how I see myself.

A word about self-perception: Seeing yourself as the person you really are is fun. It’s abundant to see all of the positive aspects of yourself and then deciding how you want to express them. We spend an inordinate amount of energy castigating ourselves for what we’re not: we compare, we contrast, we negate. And sometimes we do this in the name of being “honest” with ourselves. But it’s not honest to focus only on the negative – and it’s not true.

Instead, examine the places where you shine. Answer these questions and do these exercises and I bet you’ll feel better about yourself and what you so uniquely offer the world.

• What would a friend or colleague who thought the world of you say? Make a thorough list of the accomplishments and positive attributes they would list. No downplaying allowed. If you hear a voice in your head saying, “Oh, that? That was no big deal,” put it on the list. If you feel guilty about an accomplishment or unsure of it, put it on the list. And of course, the accomplishments you feel great about will already be on the list.
   
• Take the process a step further and ask friends or colleagues directly for the same list.
   
• “What do you want to be when you grow up?” My four year old asks me this question almost daily. I’m not sure who or what prompted this line of questioning, but after several days of it, I started taking it more seriously. This question reconnects me with my passions. Where does it take you?
   
• Track your thoughts for a few days and record how many are positive and negative. When people begin tracking their thoughts, they’ll often become aware that they engage in more negative thinking than they realize.
   
• Dream. Dreaming is a skill, actually a relational skill. It’s a way to connect with you and with others. What are your dreams? What are the dreams you don’t allow yourself to have? Where would you go if you took your mind off its self-restraining leash and let it wander?
   
• Follow your yearning. Notice what you yearn, what you long for – and you’ll discover a dream, a desire or even an unmet need. Recognizing these stirring within ourselves is a profound way to embrace ourselves.

If you want a natural high, shift your focus to your brilliance. Be honest with yourself – where are the places you shine? Focus on your contributions, express your gratitude for them, and you’ll embrace yourself in a whole new way. And, along the way, you just might find yourself spending a majority of your time, well, feeling great.

Float the goal

Many people stop short of setting goals because they’re concerned that if they don’t meet them, they’ll experience a sense of failure. I’d like to propose a remedy – it’s a strategy I call “float the goal.” Here’s how it works:

Step 1: Identify a goal. Write it down clearly and succinctly, and make sure it’s a goal that you can easily keep in your head, such as a dollar amount that you want to earn, the amount of weight you want to lose or the kind of friendship you want to develop.

Step 2: Periodically, “float” the goal in your mind. I mean – run the goal through your mind and simply observe it for a second or two. “Oh, that’s right. I want to earn $100,000 in 2011.” Then let it go by moving on to the next thought. Refrain from getting “attached” to the goal. Being attached to the goal sounds like “I’m afraid I won’t meet the goal” or “How will I ever meet this goal?” or “If I don’t meet it, I’m a failure.” Negative attachments will quickly catapult you down a mental rabbit hole that has no exit.

Step 3: Let go of “how.” With the “float the goal” strategy, “how” isn’t a requirement. Isn’t that nice? That’s one of the perks of the strategy that I love. In fact, “figuring out” how to achieve the goal is counterproductive. You want to set the goal, float it in your mind and move forward more intuitively, whether that’s through networking, marketing or researching. Keep taking action and putting your energy out there by – as the author Julia Cameron says – “shaking the trees.”

Step 4: Go out and have fun. You might be thinking – how does fun connect with accomplishing a goal? Let me explain. Sometimes when we’re having difficulty meeting a goal, we get tight, serious and start either berating ourselves or blaming external circumstances. All of these strategies are counterproductive. While an honest analysis of whether you’re taking the best actions can be beneficial — once you’ve reviewed your actions, go out and have fun. Lighten things up. Generate positive energy. Take a mental load off — a watched pot never boils and neither does a watched goal.

Step 5: Harvest positivity. This is the skill of active observation. Consciously choose to find and focus on the positive in any situation. You may have a lifelong habit of focusing on the negative in situations that aren’t to your liking, feel uncomfortable or unfamiliar. Again, a negative focus will steer you down an unproductive path. So identify the positive – once you do, you’ll feel like you have more control. There’s nothing like looking at an array of positive options to boost your spirits and create that “I’m in charge” feeling.

Step 6: Notice what you’re avoiding. “What we resist, persists.” I don’t know who originally uttered these words, but they are 100 percent true. What we resist or avoid, internally or externally, not only persists, it usually expands over time. Be brutally honest with yourself about what you’re avoiding at this very moment. And what do you tend to avoid time and time again? Once you have the answer, you can take action on it, which will open the pathway to meeting your goal with much greater ease. What could be better than ease?

Step 7: Go out and have fun. Seriously. Don’t forget to have fun! When in doubt, do something nice for yourself or for someone else. Change the energy – don’t let it stagnate. There’s nothing like the power of positive energy to smooth the pathway to attracting what you want in your life.

Remember, a goal is simply a direction, not necessarily a destination. We’re never really done. Once you reach one goal, the next goal or goals appear in your vision. Float your goals and watch the new, different and exciting results that float into your life. And get ready to expect the unexpected!

How’s your driving?

My grandmother drove with one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake. She got where she needed to go but I would guess with unnecessary friction and wear and tear on her car. How often do we make things harder than they need to be by accelerating and braking at the same time?

It’s an interesting question. According to my work with clients, many of us have general tendencies – some people hit the gas and go, some use my grandmother’s technique, and others keep the brakes on most of the time.  Certain life, leadership and business situations require different driving styles – the trick is to know when to apply each style. The first step is to understand your own natural tendency. For example, I’m usually a hit the accelerator, go and hope for the best kind of person. This style often works well for me and has helped me achieve many business and personal goals. Sometimes though I have to remember to slow down and even stop. Good self-awareness asks us to understand our natural tendencies and then know when to stretch and bend into other styles when the situation calls for it.

How do you drive through life and work? When and where are you being called to flex your style?

Turn, turn, turn — the nature of transitions

According to William Bridges (author of several very good books on personal and organizational transition) transition is the psychological process of adapting to change. On its surface, change appears situational –such moving to a new city, taking a new job or having a new baby. It’s the underpinnings of these changes – called transition – that causes us to resist change. Of course, the process of transition itself brings us the greatest gifts. For example, often the very things we want in our lives are achieved by the process of transition.

In order to journey through transition, we first have to let go of an old way of being.  En route to embracing a new way of being, we spend time in the “neutral zone”. The neutral zone is limbo – we’re out of the old but not into the new.  The neutral zone is simultaneously very uncomfortable and full of learning, growth and evolution. No one likes to be there, but it’s a treasure chest of growth.

Here’s the paradox we all face: Change ensures the continuity that most of us want. And what we want to hold on to was itself once achieved by change, which brings us to the question “What do we need to let go of to have more of what we want?”

There’s a quote by M. Scott Peck that I love because it captures the essence of change so well: “The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when are we are feeling uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”

The power of perspective

I’m working hard on business development right now, and I’m loving it – I’m meeting great people, my mind is popping with new ideas, and I’m intrigued by the possibilities. And I’m struck over and over by the power of perspective – how simply a slight shift in perspective can change an entire situation. If I search for the positive, it magnifies. If I focus on the negative, it magnifies. Even in challenging situations, I keep finding something positive which leads to a positive action which leads to the next positive action. When I notice that my mood is dark, then I take a break. When I have a new idea, I act on it or write it down for later. Everything I’ve described is leading me to greater and better risk taking and greater and better outcomes.

What’s your perspective and how does it affect your thoughts, mood and actions?

Four Secrets to Success

Businesses and careers cycle through ups and downs, there’s no doubt. Throughout my tenure as an entrepreneur, I’ve observed four myths that stop professionals from being as successful as they could be in their careers. Understanding how these myths operate can help you ride the waves to success with a little more balance and equanimity.

Myth #1: Never give up.

I’m the first to acknowledge that – without a doubt – determination and persistence are fundamental to success in business. However persistence with blinders on can end in disaster. There’s wisdom to the poker saying “Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em”. Some circumstances call for moving on, and some circumstances require holding on past what seems endurable.  The secret is to know the difference — look at the situation with an honest eye, discern the signals to hold and understand when to fold.

Myth #2: If it’s not hard, it’s not valuable.

This myth is among the most prevalent that I hear. I’m not sure how the concepts of “hard” and “value” got connected, but they’ve kept many professionals feeling like puppies chasing their tail.  In other words, the intrinsic value of your work has nothing to do with how hard you worked or how easily it came to you. What you produce, the impact you make and how you contribute determine the value of your work.

Myth #3: If it’s right, it should be easy.

Other versions of this myth: “Everyone needs my service, why don’t they hire me?” or “I shouldn’t need to market myself, everyone should just know how great I am and hire me.” This myth boils down to the hope that by being good at what you do, job offers and great careers moves will just show up.  In reality, opportunity tends to knock when you are in the right field, plan your strategy, listen to your gut, heed the advice of those you trust, and take the right actions.

Myth #4: Be realistic. Be logical.

This myth can effectively block new ideas, strategies or brainstorms, often in the form of a thought like, “Oh, that’s crazy” or “I need to be logical”. Thoughts like these repress the spark of creativity that generates a new idea. Release this block by balancing your creativity and intuition with your logic. There’s left brain, analytical logic and right brain, creative logic. Make sure to give credence to both sides.

The secret to success: Don’t buy into the myths. Buy into your worth, believe in your skills, gifts, and talents, and know when to keep going and when to change course.

Invest in yourself

I’m a big believer in the transformational capacity of self-knowledge. If you don’t who you are, what you’re good at and what you value, how can you recognize a “good fit” for yourself? We are all capable of so much more than we realize and give ourselves credit for.

What do you want to learn about yourself this year? For example, this year I want to investigate spiritual practices and find one that works for me. You may want to reassess your professional strengths more comprehensively, sharpen your leadership skills or gain a deeper understanding of what alignment would look like for your team or department.

As our economy, culture and environment shift and change, it’s more important now than ever to be fully aware of your natural strengths, abilities and talents. Self-knowledge is a solid investment with lifelong benefit – it doesn’t expire, wear out or become outdated.

How are you going to invest in yourself this year?