Coach yourself to a better resolution
When I work with people on deepening and expanding their conflict resolution skillset, we discuss the concept of “self-coaching.” I define self-coaching as a form of mindfulness — the ability to stay present, neutral and responsive during a conflict. Self-coaching definitely takes practice and some trial and error; yet the results over time can increase your sense of empowerment and effectiveness during an active conflict.
The ability to be non-judgmental and to shift perspectives are two of the keys to staying present, neutral and responsive. Both skills require taking a neutral stance, detaching from judgment, and the ability to be mentally and emotionally flexible. This flexibility allows you to stay creatively solution-focused and empowered as you work toward a resolution. It also requires that you honor the connection to your empathy, your emotions, and your desires.
Word of the month: Coaching
This month’s blog theme is “How conflict coaching can help”, and accordingly, the word of the month is coaching. Coach is not therapy, mentoring or consulting. Really, it’s the art of helping people bridge the gap from where they are to where they’d like to be – personally, professionally, in their career, in their leadership, in their relationships or in their conflict competency – to name a few examples.
The International Coach Federation defines coaching as: “partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential.” I like this definition too; it speaks to the creative combination of learning and action that comprises coaching.
Although I’m not a big sports fan, I do hold an appreciation for others’ passion for sports and I think sports coaching is a great example of “coaching in action” – helping people gain skills, live up to the their potential, and understand that mindset is critical to success, change and transformation.
REPAIR your conflict
During this month’s conflict resolution conference call, we discussed the role of emotion in conflict. One tool I shared with callers was the REPAIR acronym. I like to use this tool, or parts of it, when I want to move a conflict back on track toward resolution. Below is the REPAIR acronym:
R- Risk reaching out (Take the risk to reach out. Decide the best way to reach to other person. Phone or in-person is best.)
E – Engage in empathy (Empathy is the process of connecting with our emotions so that we can connect or understand others. Can you understand the other person’s perspective as they’ve expressed it? Empathy is not agreeing; understanding is not agreeing.)
P – Peel back the layers of what occurred (What’s really going on? What’s unspoken? At what point did you reach an impasse?)
A – Ask questions (Ask open-ended questions, such as What do you need? What do you want? What would help you move forward? What would you need to work toward a resolution?)
I –Initiate a solution (Offer to make a proposal. Or ask “How can you turn your concern into a proposal?” Making a proposal is not agreeing nor is it making a decision.)
R – Restore trust (How restore trust with each other? What would we each need to see or hear?)
Resolve your internal conflict
While I often write about resolving conflicts between two or more people, the internal conflicts we face are often just as challenging. The next time you find yourself in an internal tangle, here is a set of questions designed to help you reach clarity, insight and resolution:
- What are my beliefs about this internal conflict?
- What is my inner critic telling me about this internal conflict?
- What is my head (intellect) telling me about it?
- What is my heart (emotion) telling me?
- What is my gut (intuition) telling me?
- What will it take to resolve this conflict? Brainstorm at least 10 options.
- Which option is the most powerful, strategic and likely to get me the results I want?
- What will it take for me to act on one or more of these options?
Book recommendation: Dignity
I love the book Dignity: The Essential Role It Plays in Resolving Conflict by Donna Hicks, Ph.D. Dr. Hicks is an international conflict resolution expert affiliated with Harvard University. Based on her experiences and research, the book shows that emotional injury is one reason conflicts get entrenched – think the Hatfields and McCoys. She calls these injuries “dignity violations” and defines dignity as our inherent worth as human beings.
Throughout the book, Dr. Hicks shares her Dignity model – the ten essential elements of dignity and the ten temptations to violate dignity, and plenty of real life examples to back it up. Beneath all of the skills, tools and techniques we use in resolving conflict, at our most basic, we are simply human beings who at times feel vulnerable and want to be treated with dignity. Dr. Hicks’ book gives us a practical approach to acknowledging this fact and helps us understand how we can change for the better.
What’s the brain got to do with it?
Recently I had some blood drawn for a test, and while I sat in the lab two technicians began to argue. Like many people, I don’t enjoy having my blood drawn, so I was already a bit tense. When the technicians started to have (non-productive) conflict, I noticed that my body –really my brain—started to react almost immediately. Even though I logically knew their argument had nothing to do with me, the limbic part of my brain sent out distress signals: my heart started to beat faster, my breathing increased and I just wanted to get out of that room.
Even though I knew I was perfectly safe, the limbic part of my brain – the part that wants to ward off threats by engaging in flight, fight or freeze –kicked into gear. Much research shows that this is one of the challenges with resolving conflict. Just when we need to be at our best, we may be at our worst. This is why understanding the role of emotions in conflict, increasing our self-awareness and developing conflict management skills are vital components of successful, productive conflict resolution.
What’s unspoken in this room?
Conflict resolution often involves understanding what’s not said as much as what is said. In other words, asking the question “What’s unspoken in this room?” is an important one. Just because people don’t appear emotional isn’t an indicator they aren’t experiencing strong emotions, feeling triggered or wondering how to express themselves. People have many reasons for holding back from emotional expression: fear, not feeling safe, not knowing what others’ reactions will be or feeling that their emotions are too strong at the moment, and that expressing them wouldn’t be productive.
That being said, unexpressed or unresolved emotion can undermine the conflict resolution process. For example, have you ever witnessed or participated in a conflict in which the solution seemed reasonably simple, but the parties involved couldn’t agree? If people feel emotionally injured by the conflict, they typically won’t agree to a resolution until they are feel safe enough to express themselves, feel heard, and feel acknowledged.
For more on this important topic, please join my next conference call “The Role of Emotion in Conflict” on February 7 at 1pm EST. To register go to http://www.metavoice.org/blog/role-of-emotion-in-conflict/
Word of the month: Emotion
This month’s blog theme is “The Role of Emotion in Conflict”, and accordingly, this month’s word is emotion. Out of curiosity, I looked up the origin of the word “emotion”. Here’s what I found: emotion derives from the French word esmovoir- to set in motion or to move the feeling. I’ve also heard emotion described as “energy in motion”. I believe that both definitions are apt.
When we feel sorrow, joy or anger, we experience feeling in motion. And in conflict, harnessing our feeling in motion is useful and important. An awareness of our emotions helps us to understand our thoughts, words and behaviors, and this awareness allows us to make better choices for ourselves. This process often requires time and space and may feel as though we are peeling off layers of an onion, with questions such as:
What do I feel? Why do I feel this way? Are there other reasons I feel this way? Now that I have this information, what do I want to do with it? Can it help me? Can it help someone else?
Track yourself
Self-reflection is an important guidepost on the road to understanding the role our emotions play in conflict. When I’m coaching people to help them develop their conflict management skills, I often ask them to track how they handle conflict over a two week period of time. I ask them to first track three aspects of their internal response:
- What were their thoughts?
- What were their emotions?
- What were their beliefs and/or assumptions?
Then I ask them to track their external response to any conflicts:
- What did they choose to do?
- What did they choose to say?
- Did they get triggered, and if so, what was the trigger? How did the trigger manifest itself in word or deed?
Finally, we discuss what they learned from the exercise, and how they can apply new awareness going forward. This is an exercise you can try on your own too. If you do, I’d love to hear any feedback!
Emotion as information
Sometimes when I coach or train people on conflict resolution, they express a desire to learn “to leave the emotion out of it”. It’s not uncommon for people to believe that if they could shut off their emotions, they could resolve conflict more easily. This can be a mistake.
Here’s why: Emotions are such an important source of information. While we don’t want our emotions and emotional triggers to drive our words, actions and decisions, we do want to understand the “messages” from our emotions. For example, if you feel unusually angry about a conflict, that emotion is usually a signal to step back and understand why you feel how you feel. Have your values been violated? Have you been tolerating negative behavior from someone else for too long? Do you feel personally attacked?
The next time you’re facing a conflict, make a point to notice your emotions:
- What are you feeling?
- How strong are the emotions on a scale of 1-10?
- Where do you feel them in your body?
- Ask yourself: What’s the message in this emotion? What is it trying to tell me?
The more information we can bring to conflict resolution, the better – and that includes our emotional self-awareness.